I just need to survive these few days.
I really wanna see Kyo again, cause I haven't for 2 years already.
I feel closer to him since last years happening.
So I really want to live until then.
But it's tearing me apart and right now I'm not even sure if I can keep my will to die quiet until then.
I'm fighting myself.
I will leave my soul there.
And die after, that's alright.
Just one pretty day.

Broken promises don't hurt me anymore, don't bother.
I've stopped caring about people anyway.
You're just a person like everyone else.
Making a fool of yourself.

there's bugs crawling all over my body.
sometimes I'm too absorbed in feeling them.
there was a puddle of saliva on the floor.

sometimes I'm to absorbed with crying
I start to laugh.

I really want to see this world to end.
I want to see my life to end.

I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come.

so I wrote these applications.
not for myself but for my family.
to calm them down.

I know I won't go there.
I probably won't live until then and if still, if something bad happens, I still won't go.
I wish I could live these few months I have left without having to plan a future that won't come.
But I'd rather have my family happy and calm than to fight the whole day.
I'd rather spend this time in a nice way, right?

Anyway, in case you're reading this.
I wish you'd talk to me again.
I know how you feel.
I really do, I understand you completely.
But I really really want, no, I need to talk to you.
I wish our friendship was the way it was before.
Because for me it was beautiful.
And perfect.

well, because I'm all too lovable.
with my flaws that don't deserve such a pretty word as "flaws" is.
they're supposed to wear names like "desaster" and "earthquake" and "euthanasia" but not "flaw".
well, let's just, for a minute, think that I'm an actually lovable person.
why do people fall in love with me.
no, it's rather, why don't I fall in love with them?
simply put I just don't fall in love with people.
it doesn't happen.
the only love I feel is for broken people.
dying people. people that hate their life even more that I ever did.
people that don't care enough about themselves to actually being able to care about others.
people that die from drinking too much and being to stupid to actually take their meds the right way.
I love people so much that I start hating them.

why would you love me? because you can pity me?
do you think you need to care for me?

Seeing your mom cry is one of the hardest things.
Yet I couldn't avoid asking her why she never cried for me.
The person I loved most died and she never even talked about it.
My sister breaks up with her boyfriend and she cries through 2 nights.
She says it was hard for her to see me like that back then too.
I think she lies.
She never took me seriously.

Even the thought of certain people falling in love with eachother makes me puke.
Some people aren't made for eachother.

Maybe it's just me because it happens all the time.
There is barely any relationship I agree with.

I suppose it's just me then.


I like sex. I like porn.
I hate seeing couples. I hate love movies.

The fuck is a romantic relationship.
I don't understand why anyone would want that.
Eww.

Just when everything was too calm for my mind some things suddenly collapse.

Back when I was younger I fell in love with a boy who later was my sisters boyfriend.
I suffered a lot and yet I was happy in the end because it calmed my sister who was always my biggest enemy.
The two of them seemed happy and so was I.
And now the most unexpected thing has occured.
He broke up with her.
When they just found the right place to live.
When they just finally settled down.
After years of being together.

No, really, I know about the fragility of human relationships but for them I really am surprised.
She's gonna come home to us soon and for how long I don't know she's gonna stay here again.
Will I survive?
I love her very much. I do.
But she's hard to handle.
I want her back and I want her to be happy again.
But I don't know if I'm gonna survive this to be honest.

Why is it that I have to leave my house anyway.
I don't wanna go outside.
I don't wanna meet people.
I don't wanna be forced to socialize and get hurt in the end anyway.

The longer I know people the more flaws they get.
Why would I want to know people better.
There's just nothing good to it.
Nothing.

It's so beautiful in here.
There are ways and means enough.
I have food and entertainment.

Allow me to stay.

cutting my body becomes casual again.
I wish it was out of desperation but it actually is out of fun and it somehow got a habit or something.
good thing is it's summer and I can't hide it.
but once days get colder again I will most probably spend more time with my hobby.

my mom never ever mentioned the therapist thing again.
maybe because I minimized that incident at the seminar.
but I'm glad, this way my plans won't get destroyed.
eep.

When people ask me about my tattoo (what happens really often.) I don't say his name or what he did and who he was.
I rather try to explain the feelings I have for him and who he was for me.
No one who hasn't experienced a one sided love like this understands it actually.
They just laugh.
As in so you have a tattoo for a singer of a band who died.
But that's not it.
I have a tattoo for a person that I love. And never want to forget.
That's why exactly that is what I tell people.

Yet I feel guilty for not saying how it really is because some pushy people keep asking me about our relationship. The needed explanation goes above them though so I rather laugh it away.

I had a weird dream tonight.
Between waking up and seeing M.'s back and falling back to sleep I tried to put the pieces together.
Sometimes dreams capture me for a whole day until I fall asleep again to start a new jigsaw puzzle.
I don't understand my brain.
Never.
But some dreams, like the one last night, change completely how I feel.
Change my views.
Because I somehow, without really realising it, understand that dream.
Anyway, I'm talking nonsense.
Yet today's message was
LETTING GO.
Of the last little pieces of remaining friends and connections I always try to escape from anyway.

There will be no one to love me.
I should let go of that silly thought too.

I'm not successful at the moment.
With nothing.
I barely eat, yet I'm still gaining weight.
Someone tell me how that happens.

My mom seems to hate me too.
I feel bad everyday and she buys 5 pounds of icecream and greasy meat.
(which is disgusting but looking at my diet I'd even eat meat.)
And then she's like WHY WON'T YOU EAT A PIECE OF THAT.
And I just wanna smash her face with one of it's bones.
This whole house is full of food.
At times where I just ate everything without thinking it never was as full as it now is.
Whether she's testing me or just making fun of me it makes her even more disgusting to me.

If my whole fucking family wasn't that poor I'd already live somewhere else.
And I really want to.
I don't wanna see their faces anymore.
None of my friends or neighbours or anyone of this town.
Except my dad, I'd  let him in once a month. Maybe.

aah, whatever, right.

I should probably try to focus on losing weight only.
I never wanted any friends to begin with.
I feel like no one cares anymore.
Alright then.
It's not like I wasn't alone before too.


Aah, and that bitch I kind of got 'friends' with from work is a lot different than I thought, my might avoid her for a while. I got so ashamed of her at the seminar. lol

I usually find a way to avoid panicking when too many people surround me.
Yesterday I didn't.
I'm on a seminar. 24/7 not-alone. I can barely breathe when they're around.
I'm constantly paranoid about them talking about me and judging me.
Yesterday, after being awake for 16 hours they still wanted to go BOWLING.
Me and sports never were friends and I felt awful anyway.
So I said I didn't want to take part and they already started talking.

Anyway, I had a panic attack and went to the toilet so nobody would notice.
But they would. And our team leader went in there to ask me (in a not-so nice way) why I wouldn't take part in their activities.
Of course I'd start to cry and had to pass by all those people.
I was so ashamed.
I can't stand people.
I just can't.
My mom called because I wrote her a message about feeling ill before my panic attack.
"Fortunately" she was just about the same when she was younger and talked to me for quite a while (even though people sat next to me and I kind of felt like they wanted to listen) I got calm again. A little.

But now that my mom knows I kind of fear needing to visit a therapis or some shit.
And I  don't wanna talk about this.
I don't wanna talk about Daisuke and I don't wanna know what problems I have as in a diagnose.
I don't wanna take meds and I don't wanna cry.

it's just not going fast enough.
i'm barely eating 25% of what i usually should but only lost about 2kg.
hungry like fuck.

I just need to start embracing the feeling of hunger.
like it's something good.

Daisuke's album still didn't arrive here.
I keep having paranoia about it.
Maybe it got lost on it's way or maybe the postman was here when I wasn't and the delivery note got lost somehow.
I mean I listened to it already but fuck, I just want to hold it in my hands.
I want to play it in my dad's music room on full volume and close my eyes.

Right now I'm forcing myself to diet as I'm utterly unhappy about how fat I am.
Being hungry makes my migraine get stronger and I get depressed without the sugar and stuff.
Yet, right now I'm trying my best.

strangeling marks on my neck
mom noticed
oops

I'm not even sure if my constant migraine is real.
how about if I just think it's there because there needs to be something to complain about other then the love of my life being dead.
either way it makes me want to put a knife right into my left temple.

this is a new beginning. somehow.
when I closed my livejournal I did it because I didn't feel near anyone on there.
I didn't feel secure about posting personal stuff either.
this way I won't get many 'friends' on here and I will feel a little more secure.
-L