I had a weird dream tonight.
Between waking up and seeing M.'s back and falling back to sleep I tried to put the pieces together.
Sometimes dreams capture me for a whole day until I fall asleep again to start a new jigsaw puzzle.
I don't understand my brain.
Never.
But some dreams, like the one last night, change completely how I feel.
Change my views.
Because I somehow, without really realising it, understand that dream.
Anyway, I'm talking nonsense.
Yet today's message was
LETTING GO.
Of the last little pieces of remaining friends and connections I always try to escape from anyway.

There will be no one to love me.
I should let go of that silly thought too.

I'm not successful at the moment.
With nothing.
I barely eat, yet I'm still gaining weight.
Someone tell me how that happens.

My mom seems to hate me too.
I feel bad everyday and she buys 5 pounds of icecream and greasy meat.
(which is disgusting but looking at my diet I'd even eat meat.)
And then she's like WHY WON'T YOU EAT A PIECE OF THAT.
And I just wanna smash her face with one of it's bones.
This whole house is full of food.
At times where I just ate everything without thinking it never was as full as it now is.
Whether she's testing me or just making fun of me it makes her even more disgusting to me.

If my whole fucking family wasn't that poor I'd already live somewhere else.
And I really want to.
I don't wanna see their faces anymore.
None of my friends or neighbours or anyone of this town.
Except my dad, I'd  let him in once a month. Maybe.

aah, whatever, right.