When people ask me about my tattoo (what happens really often.) I don't say his name or what he did and who he was.
I rather try to explain the feelings I have for him and who he was for me.
No one who hasn't experienced a one sided love like this understands it actually.
They just laugh.
As in so you have a tattoo for a singer of a band who died.
But that's not it.
I have a tattoo for a person that I love. And never want to forget.
That's why exactly that is what I tell people.

Yet I feel guilty for not saying how it really is because some pushy people keep asking me about our relationship. The needed explanation goes above them though so I rather laugh it away.

I had a weird dream tonight.
Between waking up and seeing M.'s back and falling back to sleep I tried to put the pieces together.
Sometimes dreams capture me for a whole day until I fall asleep again to start a new jigsaw puzzle.
I don't understand my brain.
Never.
But some dreams, like the one last night, change completely how I feel.
Change my views.
Because I somehow, without really realising it, understand that dream.
Anyway, I'm talking nonsense.
Yet today's message was
LETTING GO.
Of the last little pieces of remaining friends and connections I always try to escape from anyway.

There will be no one to love me.
I should let go of that silly thought too.

I'm not successful at the moment.
With nothing.
I barely eat, yet I'm still gaining weight.
Someone tell me how that happens.

My mom seems to hate me too.
I feel bad everyday and she buys 5 pounds of icecream and greasy meat.
(which is disgusting but looking at my diet I'd even eat meat.)
And then she's like WHY WON'T YOU EAT A PIECE OF THAT.
And I just wanna smash her face with one of it's bones.
This whole house is full of food.
At times where I just ate everything without thinking it never was as full as it now is.
Whether she's testing me or just making fun of me it makes her even more disgusting to me.

If my whole fucking family wasn't that poor I'd already live somewhere else.
And I really want to.
I don't wanna see their faces anymore.
None of my friends or neighbours or anyone of this town.
Except my dad, I'd  let him in once a month. Maybe.

aah, whatever, right.

I should probably try to focus on losing weight only.
I never wanted any friends to begin with.
I feel like no one cares anymore.
Alright then.
It's not like I wasn't alone before too.


Aah, and that bitch I kind of got 'friends' with from work is a lot different than I thought, my might avoid her for a while. I got so ashamed of her at the seminar. lol

I usually find a way to avoid panicking when too many people surround me.
Yesterday I didn't.
I'm on a seminar. 24/7 not-alone. I can barely breathe when they're around.
I'm constantly paranoid about them talking about me and judging me.
Yesterday, after being awake for 16 hours they still wanted to go BOWLING.
Me and sports never were friends and I felt awful anyway.
So I said I didn't want to take part and they already started talking.

Anyway, I had a panic attack and went to the toilet so nobody would notice.
But they would. And our team leader went in there to ask me (in a not-so nice way) why I wouldn't take part in their activities.
Of course I'd start to cry and had to pass by all those people.
I was so ashamed.
I can't stand people.
I just can't.
My mom called because I wrote her a message about feeling ill before my panic attack.
"Fortunately" she was just about the same when she was younger and talked to me for quite a while (even though people sat next to me and I kind of felt like they wanted to listen) I got calm again. A little.

But now that my mom knows I kind of fear needing to visit a therapis or some shit.
And I  don't wanna talk about this.
I don't wanna talk about Daisuke and I don't wanna know what problems I have as in a diagnose.
I don't wanna take meds and I don't wanna cry.

it's just not going fast enough.
i'm barely eating 25% of what i usually should but only lost about 2kg.
hungry like fuck.

I just need to start embracing the feeling of hunger.
like it's something good.

Daisuke's album still didn't arrive here.
I keep having paranoia about it.
Maybe it got lost on it's way or maybe the postman was here when I wasn't and the delivery note got lost somehow.
I mean I listened to it already but fuck, I just want to hold it in my hands.
I want to play it in my dad's music room on full volume and close my eyes.

Right now I'm forcing myself to diet as I'm utterly unhappy about how fat I am.
Being hungry makes my migraine get stronger and I get depressed without the sugar and stuff.
Yet, right now I'm trying my best.