so I wrote these applications.
not for myself but for my family.
to calm them down.

I know I won't go there.
I probably won't live until then and if still, if something bad happens, I still won't go.
I wish I could live these few months I have left without having to plan a future that won't come.
But I'd rather have my family happy and calm than to fight the whole day.
I'd rather spend this time in a nice way, right?

Anyway, in case you're reading this.
I wish you'd talk to me again.
I know how you feel.
I really do, I understand you completely.
But I really really want, no, I need to talk to you.
I wish our friendship was the way it was before.
Because for me it was beautiful.
And perfect.

well, because I'm all too lovable.
with my flaws that don't deserve such a pretty word as "flaws" is.
they're supposed to wear names like "desaster" and "earthquake" and "euthanasia" but not "flaw".
well, let's just, for a minute, think that I'm an actually lovable person.
why do people fall in love with me.
no, it's rather, why don't I fall in love with them?
simply put I just don't fall in love with people.
it doesn't happen.
the only love I feel is for broken people.
dying people. people that hate their life even more that I ever did.
people that don't care enough about themselves to actually being able to care about others.
people that die from drinking too much and being to stupid to actually take their meds the right way.
I love people so much that I start hating them.

why would you love me? because you can pity me?
do you think you need to care for me?

Seeing your mom cry is one of the hardest things.
Yet I couldn't avoid asking her why she never cried for me.
The person I loved most died and she never even talked about it.
My sister breaks up with her boyfriend and she cries through 2 nights.
She says it was hard for her to see me like that back then too.
I think she lies.
She never took me seriously.

Even the thought of certain people falling in love with eachother makes me puke.
Some people aren't made for eachother.

Maybe it's just me because it happens all the time.
There is barely any relationship I agree with.

I suppose it's just me then.


I like sex. I like porn.
I hate seeing couples. I hate love movies.

The fuck is a romantic relationship.
I don't understand why anyone would want that.
Eww.

Just when everything was too calm for my mind some things suddenly collapse.

Back when I was younger I fell in love with a boy who later was my sisters boyfriend.
I suffered a lot and yet I was happy in the end because it calmed my sister who was always my biggest enemy.
The two of them seemed happy and so was I.
And now the most unexpected thing has occured.
He broke up with her.
When they just found the right place to live.
When they just finally settled down.
After years of being together.

No, really, I know about the fragility of human relationships but for them I really am surprised.
She's gonna come home to us soon and for how long I don't know she's gonna stay here again.
Will I survive?
I love her very much. I do.
But she's hard to handle.
I want her back and I want her to be happy again.
But I don't know if I'm gonna survive this to be honest.

Why is it that I have to leave my house anyway.
I don't wanna go outside.
I don't wanna meet people.
I don't wanna be forced to socialize and get hurt in the end anyway.

The longer I know people the more flaws they get.
Why would I want to know people better.
There's just nothing good to it.
Nothing.

It's so beautiful in here.
There are ways and means enough.
I have food and entertainment.

Allow me to stay.

cutting my body becomes casual again.
I wish it was out of desperation but it actually is out of fun and it somehow got a habit or something.
good thing is it's summer and I can't hide it.
but once days get colder again I will most probably spend more time with my hobby.

my mom never ever mentioned the therapist thing again.
maybe because I minimized that incident at the seminar.
but I'm glad, this way my plans won't get destroyed.
eep.