I just need to survive these few days.
I really wanna see Kyo again, cause I haven't for 2 years already.
I feel closer to him since last years happening.
So I really want to live until then.
But it's tearing me apart and right now I'm not even sure if I can keep my will to die quiet until then.
I'm fighting myself.
I will leave my soul there.
And die after, that's alright.
Just one pretty day.

Broken promises don't hurt me anymore, don't bother.
I've stopped caring about people anyway.
You're just a person like everyone else.
Making a fool of yourself.

there's bugs crawling all over my body.
sometimes I'm too absorbed in feeling them.
there was a puddle of saliva on the floor.

sometimes I'm to absorbed with crying
I start to laugh.

I really want to see this world to end.
I want to see my life to end.

I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come. I don't want this day to come.

so I wrote these applications.
not for myself but for my family.
to calm them down.

I know I won't go there.
I probably won't live until then and if still, if something bad happens, I still won't go.
I wish I could live these few months I have left without having to plan a future that won't come.
But I'd rather have my family happy and calm than to fight the whole day.
I'd rather spend this time in a nice way, right?

Anyway, in case you're reading this.
I wish you'd talk to me again.
I know how you feel.
I really do, I understand you completely.
But I really really want, no, I need to talk to you.
I wish our friendship was the way it was before.
Because for me it was beautiful.
And perfect.

well, because I'm all too lovable.
with my flaws that don't deserve such a pretty word as "flaws" is.
they're supposed to wear names like "desaster" and "earthquake" and "euthanasia" but not "flaw".
well, let's just, for a minute, think that I'm an actually lovable person.
why do people fall in love with me.
no, it's rather, why don't I fall in love with them?
simply put I just don't fall in love with people.
it doesn't happen.
the only love I feel is for broken people.
dying people. people that hate their life even more that I ever did.
people that don't care enough about themselves to actually being able to care about others.
people that die from drinking too much and being to stupid to actually take their meds the right way.
I love people so much that I start hating them.

why would you love me? because you can pity me?
do you think you need to care for me?

Seeing your mom cry is one of the hardest things.
Yet I couldn't avoid asking her why she never cried for me.
The person I loved most died and she never even talked about it.
My sister breaks up with her boyfriend and she cries through 2 nights.
She says it was hard for her to see me like that back then too.
I think she lies.
She never took me seriously.